Losing it mentally

First things first…remember that guy that I was bitching about throughout this whole blogging journey? Well I decided to give him another shot, I feel like he’s being genuine and I want to give this a try.  The first time around it felt like this could be more than just a boyfriend girlfriend kind of a thing so we both decided to give it another shot. And here we are…

I used to think being clingy was a cute thing, until recently.  I thought it was cute that I would message him little things, ask how he is, check if he’s awake, call a million times, want to chat to him every single day…to the point when I knew his breaks at work. In that week I realised nah…this doesn’t feel right.  Cause he’s reading the messages…but he’ll reply later, or he won’t reply to my texts, but he’ll message me another time. Like he won’t message me straight away and it’ll bother man, then when he messages i’ll message instantly but I’ll have to wait for a reply.

It started getting to me and I started to think, oh he’s cheating again. Yeap he’s playing up again,  overthinking everything.   It really triggered me when I was at work had a bad dream that he was cheating, woke up pissed off, went to work and realised I hadn’t heard from him in days. Messaged my friend and ranted the shit out, he finally messaged me at like 4pm and said sorry babe I was asleep and then I clicked…he works graveyard shift, so of course he’ll sleep during the day.  I’m like i haven’t heard from you in days, where have you been? He’s like “I told you last night I was gonna be busy this weekend remember?” It took me a minute to realise that he did message me on snapchat, only because I kept messaging him on snapchat..but I was at work drinks and was pretty drunk so I forgot.

The more I thought about how I reacted to that the more I realise I’m not clingy, i’m obsessive.  Like I’m constantly checking my phone, messaging him throughout the day and not even waiting for a reply.  When I see the time that’s passed between messages..it really isn’t that long. And then I start to realise he probably isn’t messaging me cause he’s actually doing things in his life…like he’s actually busy living.  But i’m here trying to make everything I am revolve around him.  That is definitely not healthy.

But it’s not just him, when I cook I do the same thing watch it while it cooks  Stir it waaaay too many times cause I can’t just leave it to simmer . When I send someone an email, if they’re in the same room I stare at them until they’ve read it.  There are other examples but telling you would only make you believe I’m that fucking crazy.

It’s not his fault, actually maybe a little bit cause the whole cheating thing is a contributor, but at the same time if I’m willing to take this step then I should be able to trust him and leave him alone without freaking out that he’s going to leave.   Like if that was me, I’d probably just leave to shut up my other half.

While realising this I also realised that all the things I would usually do to fill up my time I don’t do because I’m afraid of what other people will think of me.  I’ve stopped doing so many of the creative things that I love to do, I even stopped blogging at one point. All because of a fear of unwanted opinions.  Seeing all of this happening within me just made me really sad…and it made me want to figure this out.

So I’ve decided to see a counsellor.  For some people they may think that it’s unnecessary but my history has shown that talking my way through it makes life easier for me. So I guess what I’m saying is, i’m gonna talk to a counsellor because there is a possibility that I could have some sort of depression or anxiety…or both.

Wish me luck, i’ll keep you updated.

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Investing in Memories

The past two years have been quite interesting, well interesting now that I reflect on it. In 2015 I had a minor stroke that meant I couldn’t stand, walk, I experienced really bad vertigo and I didn’t eat for three whole days…and trust me I loooooove to eat lol

I spent three days in bed because I thought I just had a random illness but once that third day came I knew something was wrong.  I went to the doctors, they thought it was meningitis and referred me to the hospital. Dad took me there and they hooked me up to an IV, did some strength tests and took my bloods. Dad left cause he’d been waiting around for ages and the doctors hadn’t come back with blood test results. I told him I’d call once I heard back.

I had a CT scan, and was assigned to an overnight room. I messaged my niece and my best friend and told them I was in the hospital. Not sure what was happening but I’d keep them updated. Best friend/bro came to visit and we just hang out. The doctor came in and told me that I had a minor stroke…everything after that just didn’t register with me. The doctor was still talking and but I heard nothing. Everything I knew about strokes I had learnt at my family members funerals. They all had a stroke, got better and then died. I was so happy my bro was there cause he heard everything the doctor said, cause I didn’t hear anything, I was in shock.

I messaged my family what happened. Now if you know me personally, you know that my parents don’t really say “I love you” very often. Not because they don’t love us, but our love to one another is shown more in our actions then in words. That night I texted my mum and my niece.  My niece updates the rest of our family, and my mum replies and says “we’ll bring a charger in the morning. I love you. Mum and Dad”. To me, I felt like that was my mum sharing the same feelings I was having, I’m not gonna see my family in the morning. My phone died as my family was asking whether I was ok, my bro had to leave cause visiting hours were done and I’m alone in the hospital.

I remember praying…more like begging God to just give me a day to say goodbye. And if he couldn’t to make sure my family knew how much I love them. To fill their hearts with as much as love as he could so that they knew how much love I had for every single one of them. I whole heartedly believed that I was going to die alone and afraid in a hospital bed. Thankfully Gods grace exceeds my minds expectations and here I am 2 years later living, walking, breathing and happy. Not afraid to say I love you to my family and showing love to myself.

After recovery I did go into a depression of sorts where I just felt like damaged goods, and in a way I treated myself like damaged goods. But overtime I realised I am worth more than this, and I should value my second chance more than I am. But that experience on that first night in the hospital changed so much for me. Before then I would work to make money, my goal in life was to follow my siblings in their drive for success. Successful marriage, family, career, quick progression up the corporate ladder. I wanted to work for the title of being successful…that’s not to say that my siblings are doing the same they’re achieving their goals and I couldn’t be any more proud of them. They each deserve the success they have worked so hard to gain.

But that night when I was begging God for a second day, the last thing that came to my mind was money, it was my family. After reflecting over that for 2 years, I don’t have the same drive anymore. I want to live a life where there are more memories then there is money. I’ve thought of what life for them might be like after I died, and I realised that I wanted them to be able to sit at the dinner table during Christmas, without me there, and still feel my presence. Say the things I would say during a conversation, crack the same jokes, laugh, drink and just know that I’m there. I wanted that for everyone in my life but mainly for my family.  Money will give my family temporary relief, but the small reminders of me will not bring them comfort. I want them to still smile through the pain.

That alone has changed how I see everything now. I smile more, I’m a bit more spontaneous, I’m unashamed of the activities and things I love and I do my best to interact with my family as much as I can.  It’s all a work in progress, like the happiness levels can only really go up.  I want to live a happy life and have that happiness be shared with everyone once I’ve passed. If I’m honest, this “close” brush with death has shifted my perspective in the best possible way, I’m actually taking care of myself, my spirit, and my heart. Financial stability isn’t as important anymore, it’s like fourth on the list. God, Family, Myself and then Money, because that’s what’s important once you’ve died, God, family, yourself and then money.

xo

Being attracted to yourself

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who loved herself no matter what, but what I’m finding on this weight loss journey is that I’m falling in love with myself in different ways. For example, I like my smile, I wasn’t a big fan of it in my teen years but could see how pretty I looked with a smile. Now I freaking love my smile, I lowkey think I look hot as fuck with a smile on my face. Why do I love it now?  Well to be honest, I’m not so focussed on how chubby my cheeks are, or how round my face is, or that double chin cause it’s slowly disappearing as I lose weight. And so instead of worrying about the things I don’t like I’m starting to see things I do like.

I’m not a twig right now, actually if any of you saw me you’d probably laugh and still think I’m fat, which I am but I’m smaller than what I was.  I can feel the change in my clothes and I can see it on some parts of my body. The parts of myself I’m falling in love with aren’t even the things people usually like about themselves after weight loss.  Besides my smile, I love my legs, my eyebrows, my hair and my thighs.

What do I love about them? I love that they’re all strong features and together create this beautiful me. I can’t move/walk/run without my legs and my thighs, they keep me going and they look bomb af in heels lol . My hair, eyebrows and smile are effortless features and I can appreciate them for what they are. Beautiful.  I have super thick eyebrows but when they’re groomed gurrrl they look bomb ! hahaha

Ok so basically what I’m trying to say is that I love the way I look right now. I feel confident, beautiful and attractive.  It’s a nice feeling to know that I love myself, not just an internal emotional love but a physical one as well.  Not sure if that makes sense but it does to me. Anyways that’s all for today, more updates soon.

x

Don’t talk to him

So Friday night/Saturday morning was a great night out with my work fam.  We had our Midwinter and it was awesome….a lot of alcohol was consumed so of course…words were exchanged.

Now if you’ve been reading my posts for a while you will know that earlier this year I went through heartbreak, after being out of contact for 5-ish months we’re talking again. I am willing to b friends and so is he, he’s apologised and I made sure he knew that I didn’t deserve to be treated like that and that he was going to stay sorry. We’ve also decided to be supportive of each others fitness goals, so far so good but on Friday night I told a good friend of mine that I’m seeing a new guy and that me and the ex are talking again.

He pretty much gave me a growling lol and said I should stop talking to my ex and that got to me. I’m good with being friends and I know that it’s never going passed the point of being friends. How do I know that? Because I’m not going to allow myself to be that hurt ever again. But is it wrong that I want to be friends with him?  I know I can keep my feelings in check, I’ve done it many times before…but after that talk on Friday night, I’ve been wondering.

Two team leaders at work know about what happened, and I’ve told them I’m seeing someone else, told them that it’s ok to talk to him as long as I don’t get back with him. So I am…and I’m not getting back with him don’t worry lol urrrgeh I liked it better when this didn’t matter but should I stop talking to him?

x

Reading Is Fundamental – RuPaul Charles

Now if you watch RuPauls Drag Race you will familiar with the phrase “Reading is Fundamental” of course Ru means it in the way of throwing shade at the contestants, where as I take it for it’s literal meaning, reading is fundamental and every person should read. Doesn’t matter what you read, as long as you’re reading.

So I want to have a section in my blog where I review the last book I read and that section is going to be called “Reading is Fundamental”.  This post will be the first of many…hopefully.  Today’s book review is Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Truman Capote.

I’ll be absolutely honest with you…I didn’t like this book.  It was a story of a rich girl who could wrap any man around her finger in an instant….and then she just disappeared.  It felt like I wasted my time listening to someone remember a person who wasn’t completely interested in him. It also didn’t feel like there was a point to it besides her being unforgettable and a guy regretting not trying harder.

With that being said…I couldn’t put the book down. I kept expecting there to be something epic, like the characters will murder someone or something dramatic like that….but it never happened.

I guess I liked it enough to finish the book,  but not enough to think it was amazing. Would I watch the movie after reading the book? No.  Would I read the book again?  No…I rarely read books twice but if I do it has to been a super amazing book that I absolutely love, this wasn’t it.

If you’ve read Breakfast at Tiffany’s let me know what you thought. Did you like it or not?  Did you prefer the book or the movie?

Final rating:  2.5/5

On to the next book 😀

x

I’m also a booktuber, if you’re interested in what I do then check out my videos here: FullyBooked 

Finding my spiritual strength

I found recently that I really miss being a strong woman of God. I used to be all in His word, would attend all the youth gatherings, prayer groups, go to church almost everyday…but now not much of any of those things happens.  I’m still a believer in God it’s just…I’m not so much a believer as I used to be and I wanna get that back.

I’m trying to do reading plans and saying small prayers here and there…but how does someone just back to that? Does anyone have any advice?  Actually how to do you stay a strong believer while working? cause that’s what gets me.

I’m also struggling with being a confident believer…when people start smack talking my faith or Jesus instead of saying something I just sit there an laugh along.  I know it’s wrong but if I challenge them…what am I supposed to say? I don’t know the bible that well and I don’t even know my faith that well…help?

x

Can you exercise alone?

I made a realisation this week at the gym. While I’m happy to go everyday I am willing to go if someone goes with me, luckily I have awesome and supportive friends who go with me but at the same time I think it’s kinda sad.

Like the gym is a place anyone should feel comfortable to go to, we’re all there for roughly the same reason, we want to look and feel healthier.  But when I looked around one super busy evening, I was surrounded by people running, lifting weights, working on the machines for long periods of time and I just felt like a big blob on a treadmill walking like an unfit hippo….which I am might I add.

I always feel encouraged when I’m with someone I know, cause if I see them going then I wanna keep going. And when I’m with my trainer I wanna push harder and get through her challenges…but when I’ by myself I wanna be invisible. So what I want to know is how do people get over that?  How does someone just decide “yeap I’m going to the gym by myself”.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated 😀

x