Finding my spiritual strength

I found recently that I really miss being a strong woman of God. I used to be all in His word, would attend all the youth gatherings, prayer groups, go to church almost everyday…but now not much of any of those things happens.  I’m still a believer in God it’s just…I’m not so much a believer as I used to be and I wanna get that back.

I’m trying to do reading plans and saying small prayers here and there…but how does someone just back to that? Does anyone have any advice?  Actually how to do you stay a strong believer while working? cause that’s what gets me.

I’m also struggling with being a confident believer…when people start smack talking my faith or Jesus instead of saying something I just sit there an laugh along.  I know it’s wrong but if I challenge them…what am I supposed to say? I don’t know the bible that well and I don’t even know my faith that well…help?


Can you exercise alone?

I made a realisation this week at the gym. While I’m happy to go everyday I am willing to go if someone goes with me, luckily I have awesome and supportive friends who go with me but at the same time I think it’s kinda sad.

Like the gym is a place anyone should feel comfortable to go to, we’re all there for roughly the same reason, we want to look and feel healthier.  But when I looked around one super busy evening, I was surrounded by people running, lifting weights, working on the machines for long periods of time and I just felt like a big blob on a treadmill walking like an unfit hippo….which I am might I add.

I always feel encouraged when I’m with someone I know, cause if I see them going then I wanna keep going. And when I’m with my trainer I wanna push harder and get through her challenges…but when I’ by myself I wanna be invisible. So what I want to know is how do people get over that?  How does someone just decide “yeap I’m going to the gym by myself”.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated 😀


Health and Fitness

So it’s been a while (I’m writing like someone is actually going to read this) I’ve been going to the gym for the last few weeks..and boooy am I hooked ! I have one personal trainer session a week and that’s actually a lot of fun, then one “intense” session with a work frien..only cause it’s followed by Korean BBQ lol and then every other day I walk on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes.

So far it feels amazing, I can feel changes in my body in terms of small weight loss and my fitness it getting better. They’re not super amazing changes but they’re good changes nonetheless.  I never really thought I’d be excited to work out and be as consistent as I am but it’s going well.

I’ll be honest I haven’t worked out by myself yet…I’m kinda scared of everyone else watching me.  I know they probably don’t care but I feel like the fattest person there but I’m working on it. Building my confidence bit by bit.

With that being said I’m going to be posting more about fitness and health.  Time to finally get this summer bod I’ve been wanting for the last few years.


Jot It Down #1


I’m stuck and I don’t know why

My mind goes into worlds that don’t even exist

But I’m too scared to explore parks that I live by

I’m stuck

Stuck in my fear

Fear of failure, fear of disappointing, fear of not being exactly how you envisioned me to be

Smart, creative, athletic, energetic, joyful, happy

I’m just…stuck

Stuck in a bad mindset

Stuck in everyones else’s opinions

Stuck in others expectations

Stuck wanting to be everything you want me to be…but only being everything I know I am

Stuck being less

Stuck watching people excel and I’m just…going around in circles.

I’m stuck in my excuses, stuck my bad habits, stuck in my laziness, stuck in my projection

I’m stuck

How do I make a move?

Hey hey hey

It’s been a while hasn’t it…well let me give you a real quick update.


Been going out a lot, diving into old projects, playing games, working and learning about myself. Yo I even talked to le ex…can I even call him that? For “I can’t be effed elaborating on this” purposes, we’ll refer to him as the ex lol.  He still hasn’t addressed the whole situation but I can have a conversation about gaming with him. Not on our no no that will never happen, but in a twitch stream and in the gaming community we’re a part of then yeah I can talk to him.

Anyway I’m in a happier place, life is good and I wanna get my ideas outta my head and into the places they’re supposed to be. Project Number 1:  Lose weight !

I’m taking part in a weight loss challenge at work, joined the gym and have then intention of losing weight. Don’t get me wrong…it’s been like 3 days and I’m finding it hard, but when you weigh over 100kgs then fuck yeah it’s gonna be hard. Shits never easy.

Project 2: Crochet project: If you know me you know I LOOOOOOVE beanies !! So I’m crocheting a bunch of beanies. I’m getting better and better but I have a pretty awesome idea with these beanies. I don’t really wanna elaborate too much on it right now, but it involves me and a whole lotta crocheting

Project 3:  Write a story/poem: I’ve been wanting to write for such a long time, and every time I try to write it just ends up being this random as thing that makes me feel uncomfortable.  I’m always thinking bigger and better, but my actual skill set is small and beginner level.  But i’m not gonna get better if I just sit around and not actually write anything am I right? yeah so I need to do more of that

Project 4:  FullyBooked:  I miss making Youtube videos, and I have so many ideas in getting back into it…I just need to actually do it. I even have a few more books now so I really should get back into it. I’ll get there soon enough…just need to make time for it and get that going again

Project 5: Streaming more:  This one will take up most of my time especially on my days off. But i love streaming, it’s fun to just play games and talk to people.

Basically I just wanna do more of the things that I’ve always wanted to I’m gonna work towards that. I’ll keep you updated


I miss you but I hate you

It’s been a month and he’s still in my head. It doesn’t hurt so much, it aches though. 

Like yes he’s an asshole and yes he’s a douchebag. And yes he doesn’t give two flying fucks about what he did. But I still lose a friend.

We were in the same Twitch chat, usually we’d both super happily say hi to each other. This time…we ignored each other’s existence and just talked to everyone else. It made me soooooo bloody sad and so angry cause he still wouldn’t talk to me. But it was that point I realised I lost a friend, a fucking awesome friend and…..he was fine with me not existing.

All I wanted to do was cry, and punch him and ruin his life. Then I remembered he has daughters, 3 of them. And some guy is gonna do this exact same thing to all 3 of his baby girls. And he’ll beat up every guy, threaten to kill them but that won’t stop his girls from crying over this guy. And I hope and pray to God he sits there and thinks of me. I doubt he will, cause he’s an asshole. But his daughters are gonna ask him why someone would do such a thing to them….and I hope he tells them the truth. Tells them that they’re worthless, greedy, heartless, soulless, motherfucking assholes who take from anyone and leave them like trash…like he did to me, and probably a whole bunch of other girls too.

Urrrrgeh this is highly irritating. Time will tell I guess, is there anything I can do about it? Probably not…oh maybe getting over it would help. Dammit

Onwards and Upwards

Now that I’ve had time to get over my “broken heart” I realise that there are more benefits to this then negatives. The main one being focussing on everything and anything to distract myself from thinking about him.

That doesn’t mean that I haven’t spent time grieving and trying to heal myself. But I’ve come to accept that he used me and nothing I do is going to change that. I’m distracting myself from telling myself that I need him, from going crazy and ruining his life cause wow I can definitely do that.  I also so many people who wanna kill this guy hahaha

I’ve never wanted to exercise more, eat healthy, go to the gym, read a book, make videos, update my blog, learn a new skill, pray and focus on God. All of these things are positive things and will have a great impact on my life, and I’ve never felt so motivated to do these things ever.

But why now you ask? (or not) Probably cause I want revenge. I wanna make him regret his decision and also cause I wanna be a different person if I ever see him again. I wanna be able to feel comfortable with myself, not that I wasn’t before. I just realised that he made me so happy because he gave me attention I wasn’t getting anywhere else. He’d tell me I was gorgeous, had a beautiful smile but I never thought these things of myself. “How you can you love someone else when you can’t love yourself”?

So here I go, teaching myself to love myself, not just physically but intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Basically fall in love with everything about myself, and if I don’t like it I’ll be the one to change it. If someone else doesn’t like it then they can move on to the next girl.

I feel like I’m rambling…I’ll stop, just know I’ll be blogging more.