First things first…remember that guy that I was bitching about throughout this whole blogging journey? Well I decided to give him another shot, I feel like he’s being genuine and I want to give this a try. The first time around it felt like this could be more than just a boyfriend girlfriend kind of a thing so we both decided to give it another shot. And here we are…
I used to think being clingy was a cute thing, until recently. I thought it was cute that I would message him little things, ask how he is, check if he’s awake, call a million times, want to chat to him every single day…to the point when I knew his breaks at work. In that week I realised nah…this doesn’t feel right. Cause he’s reading the messages…but he’ll reply later, or he won’t reply to my texts, but he’ll message me another time. Like he won’t message me straight away and it’ll bother man, then when he messages i’ll message instantly but I’ll have to wait for a reply.
It started getting to me and I started to think, oh he’s cheating again. Yeap he’s playing up again, overthinking everything. It really triggered me when I was at work had a bad dream that he was cheating, woke up pissed off, went to work and realised I hadn’t heard from him in days. Messaged my friend and ranted the shit out, he finally messaged me at like 4pm and said sorry babe I was asleep and then I clicked…he works graveyard shift, so of course he’ll sleep during the day. I’m like i haven’t heard from you in days, where have you been? He’s like “I told you last night I was gonna be busy this weekend remember?” It took me a minute to realise that he did message me on snapchat, only because I kept messaging him on snapchat..but I was at work drinks and was pretty drunk so I forgot.
The more I thought about how I reacted to that the more I realise I’m not clingy, i’m obsessive. Like I’m constantly checking my phone, messaging him throughout the day and not even waiting for a reply. When I see the time that’s passed between messages..it really isn’t that long. And then I start to realise he probably isn’t messaging me cause he’s actually doing things in his life…like he’s actually busy living. But i’m here trying to make everything I am revolve around him. That is definitely not healthy.
But it’s not just him, when I cook I do the same thing watch it while it cooks Stir it waaaay too many times cause I can’t just leave it to simmer . When I send someone an email, if they’re in the same room I stare at them until they’ve read it. There are other examples but telling you would only make you believe I’m that fucking crazy.
It’s not his fault, actually maybe a little bit cause the whole cheating thing is a contributor, but at the same time if I’m willing to take this step then I should be able to trust him and leave him alone without freaking out that he’s going to leave. Like if that was me, I’d probably just leave to shut up my other half.
While realising this I also realised that all the things I would usually do to fill up my time I don’t do because I’m afraid of what other people will think of me. I’ve stopped doing so many of the creative things that I love to do, I even stopped blogging at one point. All because of a fear of unwanted opinions. Seeing all of this happening within me just made me really sad…and it made me want to figure this out.
So I’ve decided to see a counsellor. For some people they may think that it’s unnecessary but my history has shown that talking my way through it makes life easier for me. So I guess what I’m saying is, i’m gonna talk to a counsellor because there is a possibility that I could have some sort of depression or anxiety…or both.
Wish me luck, i’ll keep you updated.