The fear of loneliness

By now you should know that I have an interest in a guy. Over the course of a week I’ve noticed that communication between us have become like non-existent. I’m assuming it’s because he has a life that involves other activities besides sitting on the phone to me. What I noticed about myself is that I’m very clingy. And tonight I was thinking why that is?

I realised that I’m not clingy because I’m super super attracted to him, but because I don’t want to feel what it’s like to not be liked. To be lonely again, it’s a hollow feeling. Yes a man/woman shouldn’t be the centre of your universe but…the feeling of someone finding you attractive enough to give you attention is an addictive drug.

I realise I’m super clingy because I don’t want to lose that feeling. I don’t want to lose the feeling of a person wanting to be closer than a friend. Someone who willing tells you that you’re beautiful, that laughs at your jokes, someone who makes you feel special. Who can see you through your invisibility cloak (Woo Harry Potter reference lol).

Being fearful of loneliness is just…scary. It’s totally different from being alone. Being alone is a choice, you can choose to be alone and you can be happy with being alone. Loneliness is a feeling you can’t really escape. You could be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. To be honest I feel like this more often then not, surrounded by so many people yet I still manage to feel lonely. I don’t like that feeling, without fail it continues to remind me of how worthless I am.  Ha insecurities, loneliness seems to thrive on them.

I guess I shouldn’t really just trust that one person can change this for me. I just…well, I just don’t want to feel like this again..or ever really. I guess it’s not something you can just get rid of but it seems so much more easier to allow another person to just fix it for you. That’s probably really selfish huh? ok fine I’ll stop. Patience right? *sigh*


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