In my head

If you’ve been reading my posts for a while you’ll notice a recurring theme. Insecurity. It’s a big thing for me. If I’m honest I’m always scared of something happening that I’m not ready for. I’m slowly working on this.

You’ll also know that I’m in a long distance relationship that makes me super super happy. This morning though, it also made me really really scared. Why? Cause I can’t deal with loss, it’s not something that I’ve just developed. I know it’s root and it’s a deep rooted issue. Don’t get me wrong, loss happens and I can accept it but I can’t handle it well.

You’re probably like “Uh what’s the difference?” Well accepting it is knowing that it can happen, that you can lose anything, I know this, you know this, we all know this. Handling it on the other hand is being able to navigate life and yourself, after you’ve lost something/someone. This is where I generally lose myself.

I’m the kinda person who gives a piece of myself in each relationship. Not just intimate relationships and not just a physical piece. I give you my time, my opinions, someone to talk to, someone to make you laugh etc. So when I lose a person in my life, I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself. I kinda go into this weird depression where I overthink everything and basically eat my feelings away. IT’S SO BAD !!! I need real coping mechanisms guys.

Anyway this morning while I was thinking of him I realised at any point I could lose him. He could just leave and it made me so sad I legit started crying. Yes….I cried over something I made up in my head. Stop judging me lol. But it made me realise I could lose everyone and I wouldn’t know what to do.  I wouldn’t know how to function, I wouldn’t know how to carry myself, I’d probably stop caring about myself at all.

Now I don’t want pity from you cause that’s not gonna help anyone but what I do wanna know is how you guys deal with heartache and loss? I plan on seeing a counsellor cause I clearly still have issues I need work on but any advice at this point would help. 

Also sorry this was a mess of a post but I’m sitting on the train trying to get my thoughts out so they don’t mess me up for the rest of the day.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s