Heartbroken

It was all a lie I guess. Falling for a guy who was hiding a girlfriend the whole time. I found it really hard to believe but it’s been 5 days since she messaged me and I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve messaged, I’ve waited patiently and nothing. I feel crazy but above everything I’m so hurt.

I believed in this relationship so much, everything was going well. I guess I didn’t see the signs. It’s hard to think that someone would string me along like that. Actually no it’s not hard to believe, it’s happened before but I didn’t think he would string me along.

I believed every word, told him how I wanted to be his wife and now….now I can’t stop crying. Now all I want more then anything is to go back to last week when this didn’t happen and I was the happiest person in the world.
I have a feeling he won’t give me an explanation. And that hurts even more cause it makes me feel like I was never worth that much to him anyway. What hurts more is that I lose a friend in the process. A really cool friend at that. I still wanna be his friend but it seems like he’ll never talk to me again. 

Why do people do this? I can’t think of any reasons why, and the longer I sit here with no explanation the more crazy I start to feel.  The more I want to cry and just disappear. We haven’t even been together that long, but I guess I love too hard. 

Everyone’s saying time will fix it, I feel like if I knew the truth this would be easier to get over. Tbh I just wanna forget all of this, I just don’t know how šŸ˜¦

In my head

If you’ve been reading my posts for a while you’ll notice a recurring theme. Insecurity. It’s a big thing for me. If I’m honest I’m always scared of something happening that I’m not ready for. I’m slowly working on this.

You’ll also know that I’m in a long distance relationship that makes me super super happy. This morning though, it also made me really really scared. Why? Cause I can’t deal with loss, it’s not something that I’ve just developed. I know it’s root and it’s a deep rooted issue. Don’t get me wrong, loss happens and I can accept it but I can’t handle it well.

You’re probably like “Uh what’s the difference?” Well accepting it is knowing that it can happen, that you can lose anything, I know this, you know this, we all know this. Handling it on the other hand is being able to navigate life and yourself, after you’ve lost something/someone. This is where I generally lose myself.

I’m the kinda person who gives a piece of myself in each relationship. Not just intimate relationships and not just a physical piece. I give you my time, my opinions, someone to talk to, someone to make you laugh etc. So when I lose a person in my life, I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself. I kinda go into this weird depression where I overthink everything and basically eat my feelings away. IT’S SO BAD !!! I need real coping mechanisms guys.

Anyway this morning while I was thinking of him I realised at any point I could lose him. He could just leave and it made me so sad I legit started crying. Yes….I cried over something I made up in my head. Stop judging me lol. But it made me realise I could lose everyone and I wouldn’t know what to do.  I wouldn’t know how to function, I wouldn’t know how to carry myself, I’d probably stop caring about myself at all.

Now I don’t want pity from you cause that’s not gonna help anyone but what I do wanna know is how you guys deal with heartache and loss? I plan on seeing a counsellor cause I clearly still have issues I need work on but any advice at this point would help. 

Also sorry this was a mess of a post but I’m sitting on the train trying to get my thoughts out so they don’t mess me up for the rest of the day.

X

New year, new changes

I’m a very very lucky girl. Starting 2017 off with a man who adores me….eeeeek I’m going to try and explain how that makes me feel.

Firstly I’m a super insecure person, not the crazy insecure where I’m gonna be all up in your shit about everything you’re doing. No, I’m the type of insecure where I can see all my flaws, wish I didn’t have them but can roll with them anyway. And if it’s really bothering me, i’ll say it out loud. For example, NYE day, I was getting ready for a party and noticed how much weight I’d gained, I was talking to a friend about it and basically it bothered me all the way up until we got to the party and started taking shots. After that I couldn’t care any less hahaha…although the next day it bothered me again up until we started eating KFC hehehe.

Now I’ve been crushing on this amazing man for a few months now, and just the other day we made our relationship official. I think after spending months of just knowing how much we both liked each other we decided “fuck it, let’s do this. Just me and you”. Yes it’s super early days, literally been like 2 days hahaha, butĀ let me just be super clucky for a second k? hahaha

Every time I talk to him, whether it be over text, twitter, twitch, skype, facebook whatever!! He never fails to say how gorgeous or beautiful I am to him. I’m used to guys saying the sweetest things so they can get what they want from you, but he says it differently. I can actually see it in his face that he believesĀ I’m beautiful, and I can’t help but blush, smile and try not to burst into happy tears. No matter how many times I laugh at that statement, or tell him to shut up or say that he’s lying or hide my face, he will say it again…and again and again..and slowly, very very slowly, I’m starting to understand what he sees.

I’ve mentioned a few of my insecurities to him before and each time I’m met with “Babe I don’t care about that. I just want to be with you” Ā Again, my insecurities come up like “Aw yeap dudes just saying shit” but nope, cause we’ll be sitting in skype for hours and all we’re doing is laughing. Just laughing, cracking jokes and making fun of each other. Enjoying each others company. I’m not asked to take my clothes off, the conversation isn’t focussed on sex, I’m not an object, I don’t feel like an object, I don’t feel like he owns me, I feel like a girl and that makes me happy.

On top of that he’s a father an d from what I hear a pretty good one too. Not one that hasn’t made mistakes but one that has learnt from them and would give the world to his girls. I find that a bloody attractive trait. A man who loves to be there for the most important people, who will give them 100% of his attention and time. I couldn’t ask for a better man really. Ā I could actually go on and on but I’ll stop before you fall in love with him and try steal him from me LOL

Cause you know, I don’t date cause that’s what everyones doing. No I date cause my end goal is to be your wife. I want to grow old with you, grow our families, support you, experience every emotion under the sun with you and everything in between. And to find a man who I can see myself doing all these things with just makes me smile, and I haven’t stopped smiling since I’ve met him. If anything I’ve been smiling even more then I already do šŸ˜€

Now can someone give me two slices of bread and some spaghetti for all this cheesiness hahaha xo

Thoughts on the bus

What is the purpose of celebrating birthdays if we don’t appreciate it’s significance everyday?

We make a big deal about the 1 day in the year that signifies our birth, our start of existence, our journey through life. Yet in our daily lives we hardily live.

I’m surrounded by people who are so hollow on the inside, yet try to sell this facade of them being full of life and appreciating everything they have. You have nothing, how can you sell yourself short like that?

For me, if I can’t feel excited, surprised, curious, spontaneous, loving or loved then I feel like I’m not living. Of course my idea of living life is different to yours, but if you sat down and unveiled all the good and bad things in your life right now, could you confidently and whole-heartedly say that you were happy with where you are? Are you happy with the journey of life you’re on? If not don’t be afraid to admit that to yourself, follow your heart and live happily everyday.

Don’t sell yourself short because death doesn’t cut corners. It cuts life lines, don’t make easier for death to collect you.

The fear of loneliness

By now you should know that I have an interest in a guy. Over the course of a week I’ve noticed that communication between us have become like non-existent. I’m assuming it’s because he has a life that involves other activities besides sitting on the phone to me. What I noticed about myself is that I’m very clingy. And tonight I was thinking why that is?

I realised that I’m not clingy because I’m super super attracted to him, but because I don’t want to feel what it’s like to not be liked. To be lonely again, it’s a hollow feeling. Yes a man/woman shouldn’t be the centre of your universe but…the feeling of someone finding you attractive enough to give you attention is an addictive drug.

I realise I’m super clingy because I don’t want to lose that feeling. I don’t want to lose the feeling of a person wanting to be closer than a friend. Someone who willing tells you that you’re beautiful, that laughs at your jokes, someone who makes you feel special. Who can see you through your invisibility cloak (Woo Harry Potter reference lol).

Being fearful of loneliness is just…scary. It’s totally different from being alone. Being alone is a choice, you can choose to be alone and you can be happy with being alone. Loneliness is a feeling you can’t really escape. You could be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. To be honest I feel like this more often then not, surrounded by so many people yet I still manage to feel lonely. I don’t like that feeling, without fail it continues to remind me of how worthless I am. Ā Ha insecurities, loneliness seems to thrive on them.

I guess I shouldn’t really just trust that one person can change this for me. I just…well, I just don’t want to feel like this again..or ever really. I guess it’s not something you can just get rid of but it seems so much more easier to allow another person to just fix it for you. That’s probably really selfish huh? ok fine I’ll stop. Patience right? *sigh*

Overthinking

So I’m not used to being pursued. It’s a lovely and strange feeling. What I’ve realised though is that I’m clingy as all hell.

I know it’s not his fault but when I don’t get the attention I’m asking for then, I sort of just shut down and get sad. I don’t know why though, like if I removed said attention from the equation I’d be fine. IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE ! 

I know everyone has lives and things to do but like OMG ! I can’t focus on anything cause all I’m thinking about is him…he doesn’t even live in the same city as me. Aaaaaah. I’m seriously trying to stay low key cool about this but fuck sakes I seriously cannot lol. Can you imagine how I’d react if I knew multiple guys had an interest in me? Fuck sake.

Honestly how are people able to do this and still seem normal? Cause I’m losing my shit. Like one day I’m gonna fly down and be like “Surprise! Couldn’t be stuffed waiting for you text me so here I am” hahahahaha. Does this make me crazy? I feel crazy? I’m crazy aren’t I? Lol

Ok next question….how do I stop myself from getting super crazy? Lol *sigh* 

Game Changer

I live in a world where everything is instant, expectations are super high and people think they’re always right. I hate it. In all honesty it’s not a world that one can continue to grow in.

It stops a lot of things from happening. It’s stop friendships and intimate relationships from growing, stops you from learning, stops you from being empathetic, stops you from feeling or freely expressing how you feel, you become more impatient and angry when things don’t go your way. You lose the ability to be creative because you’ve now become used to everyone handing things to you.

Nah I’m not about that. I want to be able to depend on myself. Make ends meet on my own terms. So for the rest of what remains of 2016 I’m going to put myself out there without holding myself back. I’m going to write whatever I want to write, film, paint, draw, speak, express, feel, try and experience different things. I’ll try not to be critical of my work but I want to teach myself how to be free.

Teach myself not to be dependent on what others can do for me or what they think, but trust what I am already able to do. This probably doesn’t make any sense but that’s ok, cause for me it does. Ā And if you happen to understand what the heck I’m on about then you may be on the same page as I am. If so then that’s awesome, I hope you get as unapologetically creative as I am (also feel free to share your work with me hehehe)