Jot It Down #1

Stuck

I’m stuck and I don’t know why

My mind goes into worlds that don’t even exist

But I’m too scared to explore parks that I live by

I’m stuck

Stuck in my fear

Fear of failure, fear of disappointing, fear of not being exactly how you envisioned me to be

Smart, creative, athletic, energetic, joyful, happy

I’m just…stuck

Stuck in a bad mindset

Stuck in everyones else’s opinions

Stuck in others expectations

Stuck wanting to be everything you want me to be…but only being everything I know I am

Stuck being less

Stuck watching people excel and I’m just…going around in circles.

I’m stuck in my excuses, stuck my bad habits, stuck in my laziness, stuck in my projection

I’m stuck

How do I make a move?

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Hey hey hey

It’s been a while hasn’t it…well let me give you a real quick update.

LIFE IS GOOD !!

Been going out a lot, diving into old projects, playing games, working and learning about myself. Yo I even talked to le ex…can I even call him that? For “I can’t be effed elaborating on this” purposes, we’ll refer to him as the ex lol.  He still hasn’t addressed the whole situation but I can have a conversation about gaming with him. Not on our own..no no no that will never happen, but in a twitch stream and in the gaming community we’re a part of then yeah I can talk to him.

Anyway I’m in a happier place, life is good and I wanna get my ideas outta my head and into the places they’re supposed to be. Project Number 1:  Lose weight !

I’m taking part in a weight loss challenge at work, joined the gym and have then intention of losing weight. Don’t get me wrong…it’s been like 3 days and I’m finding it hard, but when you weigh over 100kgs then fuck yeah it’s gonna be hard. Shits never easy.

Project 2: Crochet project: If you know me you know I LOOOOOOVE beanies !! So I’m crocheting a bunch of beanies. I’m getting better and better but I have a pretty awesome idea with these beanies. I don’t really wanna elaborate too much on it right now, but it involves me and a whole lotta crocheting

Project 3:  Write a story/poem: I’ve been wanting to write for such a long time, and every time I try to write it just ends up being this random as thing that makes me feel uncomfortable.  I’m always thinking bigger and better, but my actual skill set is small and beginner level.  But i’m not gonna get better if I just sit around and not actually write anything am I right? yeah so I need to do more of that

Project 4:  FullyBooked:  I miss making Youtube videos, and I have so many ideas in getting back into it…I just need to actually do it. I even have a few more books now so I really should get back into it. I’ll get there soon enough…just need to make time for it and get that going again

Project 5: Streaming more:  This one will take up most of my time especially on my days off. But i love streaming, it’s fun to just play games and talk to people.

Basically I just wanna do more of the things that I’ve always wanted to do..so I’m gonna work towards that. I’ll keep you updated

xo

I miss you but I hate you

It’s been a month and he’s still in my head. It doesn’t hurt so much, it aches though. 

Like yes he’s an asshole and yes he’s a douchebag. And yes he doesn’t give two flying fucks about what he did. But I still lose a friend.

We were in the same Twitch chat, usually we’d both super happily say hi to each other. This time…we ignored each other’s existence and just talked to everyone else. It made me soooooo bloody sad and so angry cause he still wouldn’t talk to me. But it was that point I realised I lost a friend, a fucking awesome friend and…..he was fine with me not existing.

All I wanted to do was cry, and punch him and ruin his life. Then I remembered he has daughters, 3 of them. And some guy is gonna do this exact same thing to all 3 of his baby girls. And he’ll beat up every guy, threaten to kill them but that won’t stop his girls from crying over this guy. And I hope and pray to God he sits there and thinks of me. I doubt he will, cause he’s an asshole. But his daughters are gonna ask him why someone would do such a thing to them….and I hope he tells them the truth. Tells them that they’re worthless, greedy, heartless, soulless, motherfucking assholes who take from anyone and leave them like trash…like he did to me, and probably a whole bunch of other girls too.

Urrrrgeh this is highly irritating. Time will tell I guess, is there anything I can do about it? Probably not…oh maybe getting over it would help. Dammit

Onwards and Upwards

Now that I’ve had time to get over my “broken heart” I realise that there are more benefits to this then negatives. The main one being focussing on everything and anything to distract myself from thinking about him.

That doesn’t mean that I haven’t spent time grieving and trying to heal myself. But I’ve come to accept that he used me and nothing I do is going to change that. I’m distracting myself from telling myself that I need him, from going crazy and ruining his life cause wow I can definitely do that.  I also so many people who wanna kill this guy hahaha

I’ve never wanted to exercise more, eat healthy, go to the gym, read a book, make videos, update my blog, learn a new skill, pray and focus on God. All of these things are positive things and will have a great impact on my life, and I’ve never felt so motivated to do these things ever.

But why now you ask? (or not) Probably cause I want revenge. I wanna make him regret his decision and also cause I wanna be a different person if I ever see him again. I wanna be able to feel comfortable with myself, not that I wasn’t before. I just realised that he made me so happy because he gave me attention I wasn’t getting anywhere else. He’d tell me I was gorgeous, had a beautiful smile but I never thought these things of myself. “How you can you love someone else when you can’t love yourself”?

So here I go, teaching myself to love myself, not just physically but intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Basically fall in love with everything about myself, and if I don’t like it I’ll be the one to change it. If someone else doesn’t like it then they can move on to the next girl.

I feel like I’m rambling…I’ll stop, just know I’ll be blogging more.

xo

Heartbroken

It was all a lie I guess. Falling for a guy who was hiding a girlfriend the whole time. I found it really hard to believe but it’s been 5 days since she messaged me and I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve messaged, I’ve waited patiently and nothing. I feel crazy but above everything I’m so hurt.

I believed in this relationship so much, everything was going well. I guess I didn’t see the signs. It’s hard to think that someone would string me along like that. Actually no it’s not hard to believe, it’s happened before but I didn’t think he would string me along.

I believed every word, told him how I wanted to be his wife and now….now I can’t stop crying. Now all I want more then anything is to go back to last week when this didn’t happen and I was the happiest person in the world.
I have a feeling he won’t give me an explanation. And that hurts even more cause it makes me feel like I was never worth that much to him anyway. What hurts more is that I lose a friend in the process. A really cool friend at that. I still wanna be his friend but it seems like he’ll never talk to me again. 

Why do people do this? I can’t think of any reasons why, and the longer I sit here with no explanation the more crazy I start to feel.  The more I want to cry and just disappear. We haven’t even been together that long, but I guess I love too hard. 

Everyone’s saying time will fix it, I feel like if I knew the truth this would be easier to get over. Tbh I just wanna forget all of this, I just don’t know how 😦

In my head

If you’ve been reading my posts for a while you’ll notice a recurring theme. Insecurity. It’s a big thing for me. If I’m honest I’m always scared of something happening that I’m not ready for. I’m slowly working on this.

You’ll also know that I’m in a long distance relationship that makes me super super happy. This morning though, it also made me really really scared. Why? Cause I can’t deal with loss, it’s not something that I’ve just developed. I know it’s root and it’s a deep rooted issue. Don’t get me wrong, loss happens and I can accept it but I can’t handle it well.

You’re probably like “Uh what’s the difference?” Well accepting it is knowing that it can happen, that you can lose anything, I know this, you know this, we all know this. Handling it on the other hand is being able to navigate life and yourself, after you’ve lost something/someone. This is where I generally lose myself.

I’m the kinda person who gives a piece of myself in each relationship. Not just intimate relationships and not just a physical piece. I give you my time, my opinions, someone to talk to, someone to make you laugh etc. So when I lose a person in my life, I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself. I kinda go into this weird depression where I overthink everything and basically eat my feelings away. IT’S SO BAD !!! I need real coping mechanisms guys.

Anyway this morning while I was thinking of him I realised at any point I could lose him. He could just leave and it made me so sad I legit started crying. Yes….I cried over something I made up in my head. Stop judging me lol. But it made me realise I could lose everyone and I wouldn’t know what to do.  I wouldn’t know how to function, I wouldn’t know how to carry myself, I’d probably stop caring about myself at all.

Now I don’t want pity from you cause that’s not gonna help anyone but what I do wanna know is how you guys deal with heartache and loss? I plan on seeing a counsellor cause I clearly still have issues I need work on but any advice at this point would help. 

Also sorry this was a mess of a post but I’m sitting on the train trying to get my thoughts out so they don’t mess me up for the rest of the day.

X

New year, new changes

I’m a very very lucky girl. Starting 2017 off with a man who adores me….eeeeek I’m going to try and explain how that makes me feel.

Firstly I’m a super insecure person, not the crazy insecure where I’m gonna be all up in your shit about everything you’re doing. No, I’m the type of insecure where I can see all my flaws, wish I didn’t have them but can roll with them anyway. And if it’s really bothering me, i’ll say it out loud. For example, NYE day, I was getting ready for a party and noticed how much weight I’d gained, I was talking to a friend about it and basically it bothered me all the way up until we got to the party and started taking shots. After that I couldn’t care any less hahaha…although the next day it bothered me again up until we started eating KFC hehehe.

Now I’ve been crushing on this amazing man for a few months now, and just the other day we made our relationship official. I think after spending months of just knowing how much we both liked each other we decided “fuck it, let’s do this. Just me and you”. Yes it’s super early days, literally been like 2 days hahaha, but let me just be super clucky for a second k? hahaha

Every time I talk to him, whether it be over text, twitter, twitch, skype, facebook whatever!! He never fails to say how gorgeous or beautiful I am to him. I’m used to guys saying the sweetest things so they can get what they want from you, but he says it differently. I can actually see it in his face that he believes I’m beautiful, and I can’t help but blush, smile and try not to burst into happy tears. No matter how many times I laugh at that statement, or tell him to shut up or say that he’s lying or hide my face, he will say it again…and again and again..and slowly, very very slowly, I’m starting to understand what he sees.

I’ve mentioned a few of my insecurities to him before and each time I’m met with “Babe I don’t care about that. I just want to be with you”  Again, my insecurities come up like “Aw yeap dudes just saying shit” but nope, cause we’ll be sitting in skype for hours and all we’re doing is laughing. Just laughing, cracking jokes and making fun of each other. Enjoying each others company. I’m not asked to take my clothes off, the conversation isn’t focussed on sex, I’m not an object, I don’t feel like an object, I don’t feel like he owns me, I feel like a girl and that makes me happy.

On top of that he’s a father an d from what I hear a pretty good one too. Not one that hasn’t made mistakes but one that has learnt from them and would give the world to his girls. I find that a bloody attractive trait. A man who loves to be there for the most important people, who will give them 100% of his attention and time. I couldn’t ask for a better man really.  I could actually go on and on but I’ll stop before you fall in love with him and try steal him from me LOL

Cause you know, I don’t date cause that’s what everyones doing. No I date cause my end goal is to be your wife. I want to grow old with you, grow our families, support you, experience every emotion under the sun with you and everything in between. And to find a man who I can see myself doing all these things with just makes me smile, and I haven’t stopped smiling since I’ve met him. If anything I’ve been smiling even more then I already do 😀

Now can someone give me two slices of bread and some spaghetti for all this cheesiness hahaha xo