Investing in Memories

The past two years have been quite interesting, well interesting now that I reflect on it. In 2015 I had a minor stroke that meant I couldn’t stand, walk, I experienced really bad vertigo and I didn’t eat for three whole days…and trust me I loooooove to eat lol

I spent three days in bed because I thought I just had a random illness but once that third day came I knew something was wrong.  I went to the doctors, they thought it was meningitis and referred me to the hospital. Dad took me there and they hooked me up to an IV, did some strength tests and took my bloods. Dad left cause he’d been waiting around for ages and the doctors hadn’t come back with blood test results. I told him I’d call once I heard back.

I had a CT scan, and was assigned to an overnight room. I messaged my niece and my best friend and told them I was in the hospital. Not sure what was happening but I’d keep them updated. Best friend/bro came to visit and we just hang out. The doctor came in and told me that I had a minor stroke…everything after that just didn’t register with me. The doctor was still talking and but I heard nothing. Everything I knew about strokes I had learnt at my family members funerals. They all had a stroke, got better and then died. I was so happy my bro was there cause he heard everything the doctor said, cause I didn’t hear anything, I was in shock.

I messaged my family what happened. Now if you know me personally, you know that my parents don’t really say “I love you” very often. Not because they don’t love us, but our love to one another is shown more in our actions then in words. That night I texted my mum and my niece.  My niece updates the rest of our family, and my mum replies and says “we’ll bring a charger in the morning. I love you. Mum and Dad”. To me, I felt like that was my mum sharing the same feelings I was having, I’m not gonna see my family in the morning. My phone died as my family was asking whether I was ok, my bro had to leave cause visiting hours were done and I’m alone in the hospital.

I remember praying…more like begging God to just give me a day to say goodbye. And if he couldn’t to make sure my family knew how much I love them. To fill their hearts with as much as love as he could so that they knew how much love I had for every single one of them. I whole heartedly believed that I was going to die alone and afraid in a hospital bed. Thankfully Gods grace exceeds my minds expectations and here I am 2 years later living, walking, breathing and happy. Not afraid to say I love you to my family and showing love to myself.

After recovery I did go into a depression of sorts where I just felt like damaged goods, and in a way I treated myself like damaged goods. But overtime I realised I am worth more than this, and I should value my second chance more than I am. But that experience on that first night in the hospital changed so much for me. Before then I would work to make money, my goal in life was to follow my siblings in their drive for success. Successful marriage, family, career, quick progression up the corporate ladder. I wanted to work for the title of being successful…that’s not to say that my siblings are doing the same they’re achieving their goals and I couldn’t be any more proud of them. They each deserve the success they have worked so hard to gain.

But that night when I was begging God for a second day, the last thing that came to my mind was money, it was my family. After reflecting over that for 2 years, I don’t have the same drive anymore. I want to live a life where there are more memories then there is money. I’ve thought of what life for them might be like after I died, and I realised that I wanted them to be able to sit at the dinner table during Christmas, without me there, and still feel my presence. Say the things I would say during a conversation, crack the same jokes, laugh, drink and just know that I’m there. I wanted that for everyone in my life but mainly for my family.  Money will give my family temporary relief, but the small reminders of me will not bring them comfort. I want them to still smile through the pain.

That alone has changed how I see everything now. I smile more, I’m a bit more spontaneous, I’m unashamed of the activities and things I love and I do my best to interact with my family as much as I can.  It’s all a work in progress, like the happiness levels can only really go up.  I want to live a happy life and have that happiness be shared with everyone once I’ve passed. If I’m honest, this “close” brush with death has shifted my perspective in the best possible way, I’m actually taking care of myself, my spirit, and my heart. Financial stability isn’t as important anymore, it’s like fourth on the list. God, Family, Myself and then Money, because that’s what’s important once you’ve died, God, family, yourself and then money.

xo

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Finding my spiritual strength

I found recently that I really miss being a strong woman of God. I used to be all in His word, would attend all the youth gatherings, prayer groups, go to church almost everyday…but now not much of any of those things happens.  I’m still a believer in God it’s just…I’m not so much a believer as I used to be and I wanna get that back.

I’m trying to do reading plans and saying small prayers here and there…but how does someone just back to that? Does anyone have any advice?  Actually how to do you stay a strong believer while working? cause that’s what gets me.

I’m also struggling with being a confident believer…when people start smack talking my faith or Jesus instead of saying something I just sit there an laugh along.  I know it’s wrong but if I challenge them…what am I supposed to say? I don’t know the bible that well and I don’t even know my faith that well…help?

x

Thoughts on the bus

What is the purpose of celebrating birthdays if we don’t appreciate it’s significance everyday?

We make a big deal about the 1 day in the year that signifies our birth, our start of existence, our journey through life. Yet in our daily lives we hardily live.

I’m surrounded by people who are so hollow on the inside, yet try to sell this facade of them being full of life and appreciating everything they have. You have nothing, how can you sell yourself short like that?

For me, if I can’t feel excited, surprised, curious, spontaneous, loving or loved then I feel like I’m not living. Of course my idea of living life is different to yours, but if you sat down and unveiled all the good and bad things in your life right now, could you confidently and whole-heartedly say that you were happy with where you are? Are you happy with the journey of life you’re on? If not don’t be afraid to admit that to yourself, follow your heart and live happily everyday.

Don’t sell yourself short because death doesn’t cut corners. It cuts life lines, don’t make easier for death to collect you.

Game Changer

I live in a world where everything is instant, expectations are super high and people think they’re always right. I hate it. In all honesty it’s not a world that one can continue to grow in.

It stops a lot of things from happening. It’s stop friendships and intimate relationships from growing, stops you from learning, stops you from being empathetic, stops you from feeling or freely expressing how you feel, you become more impatient and angry when things don’t go your way. You lose the ability to be creative because you’ve now become used to everyone handing things to you.

Nah I’m not about that. I want to be able to depend on myself. Make ends meet on my own terms. So for the rest of what remains of 2016 I’m going to put myself out there without holding myself back. I’m going to write whatever I want to write, film, paint, draw, speak, express, feel, try and experience different things. I’ll try not to be critical of my work but I want to teach myself how to be free.

Teach myself not to be dependent on what others can do for me or what they think, but trust what I am already able to do. This probably doesn’t make any sense but that’s ok, cause for me it does.  And if you happen to understand what the heck I’m on about then you may be on the same page as I am. If so then that’s awesome, I hope you get as unapologetically creative as I am (also feel free to share your work with me hehehe)