Finding my spiritual strength

I found recently that I really miss being a strong woman of God. I used to be all in His word, would attend all the youth gatherings, prayer groups, go to church almost everyday…but now not much of any of those things happens.  I’m still a believer in God it’s just…I’m not so much a believer as I used to be and I wanna get that back.

I’m trying to do reading plans and saying small prayers here and there…but how does someone just back to that? Does anyone have any advice?  Actually how to do you stay a strong believer while working? cause that’s what gets me.

I’m also struggling with being a confident believer…when people start smack talking my faith or Jesus instead of saying something I just sit there an laugh along.  I know it’s wrong but if I challenge them…what am I supposed to say? I don’t know the bible that well and I don’t even know my faith that well…help?

x

Can you exercise alone?

I made a realisation this week at the gym. While I’m happy to go everyday I am willing to go if someone goes with me, luckily I have awesome and supportive friends who go with me but at the same time I think it’s kinda sad.

Like the gym is a place anyone should feel comfortable to go to, we’re all there for roughly the same reason, we want to look and feel healthier.  But when I looked around one super busy evening, I was surrounded by people running, lifting weights, working on the machines for long periods of time and I just felt like a big blob on a treadmill walking like an unfit hippo….which I am might I add.

I always feel encouraged when I’m with someone I know, cause if I see them going then I wanna keep going. And when I’m with my trainer I wanna push harder and get through her challenges…but when I’ by myself I wanna be invisible. So what I want to know is how do people get over that?  How does someone just decide “yeap I’m going to the gym by myself”.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated 😀

x

Health and Fitness

So it’s been a while (I’m writing like someone is actually going to read this) I’ve been going to the gym for the last few weeks..and boooy am I hooked ! I have one personal trainer session a week and that’s actually a lot of fun, then one “intense” session with a work frien..only cause it’s followed by Korean BBQ lol and then every other day I walk on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes.

So far it feels amazing, I can feel changes in my body in terms of small weight loss and my fitness it getting better. They’re not super amazing changes but they’re good changes nonetheless.  I never really thought I’d be excited to work out and be as consistent as I am but it’s going well.

I’ll be honest I haven’t worked out by myself yet…I’m kinda scared of everyone else watching me.  I know they probably don’t care but I feel like the fattest person there but I’m working on it. Building my confidence bit by bit.

With that being said I’m going to be posting more about fitness and health.  Time to finally get this summer bod I’ve been wanting for the last few years.

x

New year, new changes

I’m a very very lucky girl. Starting 2017 off with a man who adores me….eeeeek I’m going to try and explain how that makes me feel.

Firstly I’m a super insecure person, not the crazy insecure where I’m gonna be all up in your shit about everything you’re doing. No, I’m the type of insecure where I can see all my flaws, wish I didn’t have them but can roll with them anyway. And if it’s really bothering me, i’ll say it out loud. For example, NYE day, I was getting ready for a party and noticed how much weight I’d gained, I was talking to a friend about it and basically it bothered me all the way up until we got to the party and started taking shots. After that I couldn’t care any less hahaha…although the next day it bothered me again up until we started eating KFC hehehe.

Now I’ve been crushing on this amazing man for a few months now, and just the other day we made our relationship official. I think after spending months of just knowing how much we both liked each other we decided “fuck it, let’s do this. Just me and you”. Yes it’s super early days, literally been like 2 days hahaha, but let me just be super clucky for a second k? hahaha

Every time I talk to him, whether it be over text, twitter, twitch, skype, facebook whatever!! He never fails to say how gorgeous or beautiful I am to him. I’m used to guys saying the sweetest things so they can get what they want from you, but he says it differently. I can actually see it in his face that he believes I’m beautiful, and I can’t help but blush, smile and try not to burst into happy tears. No matter how many times I laugh at that statement, or tell him to shut up or say that he’s lying or hide my face, he will say it again…and again and again..and slowly, very very slowly, I’m starting to understand what he sees.

I’ve mentioned a few of my insecurities to him before and each time I’m met with “Babe I don’t care about that. I just want to be with you”  Again, my insecurities come up like “Aw yeap dudes just saying shit” but nope, cause we’ll be sitting in skype for hours and all we’re doing is laughing. Just laughing, cracking jokes and making fun of each other. Enjoying each others company. I’m not asked to take my clothes off, the conversation isn’t focussed on sex, I’m not an object, I don’t feel like an object, I don’t feel like he owns me, I feel like a girl and that makes me happy.

On top of that he’s a father an d from what I hear a pretty good one too. Not one that hasn’t made mistakes but one that has learnt from them and would give the world to his girls. I find that a bloody attractive trait. A man who loves to be there for the most important people, who will give them 100% of his attention and time. I couldn’t ask for a better man really.  I could actually go on and on but I’ll stop before you fall in love with him and try steal him from me LOL

Cause you know, I don’t date cause that’s what everyones doing. No I date cause my end goal is to be your wife. I want to grow old with you, grow our families, support you, experience every emotion under the sun with you and everything in between. And to find a man who I can see myself doing all these things with just makes me smile, and I haven’t stopped smiling since I’ve met him. If anything I’ve been smiling even more then I already do 😀

Now can someone give me two slices of bread and some spaghetti for all this cheesiness hahaha xo

Thoughts on the bus

What is the purpose of celebrating birthdays if we don’t appreciate it’s significance everyday?

We make a big deal about the 1 day in the year that signifies our birth, our start of existence, our journey through life. Yet in our daily lives we hardily live.

I’m surrounded by people who are so hollow on the inside, yet try to sell this facade of them being full of life and appreciating everything they have. You have nothing, how can you sell yourself short like that?

For me, if I can’t feel excited, surprised, curious, spontaneous, loving or loved then I feel like I’m not living. Of course my idea of living life is different to yours, but if you sat down and unveiled all the good and bad things in your life right now, could you confidently and whole-heartedly say that you were happy with where you are? Are you happy with the journey of life you’re on? If not don’t be afraid to admit that to yourself, follow your heart and live happily everyday.

Don’t sell yourself short because death doesn’t cut corners. It cuts life lines, don’t make easier for death to collect you.

The fear of loneliness

By now you should know that I have an interest in a guy. Over the course of a week I’ve noticed that communication between us have become like non-existent. I’m assuming it’s because he has a life that involves other activities besides sitting on the phone to me. What I noticed about myself is that I’m very clingy. And tonight I was thinking why that is?

I realised that I’m not clingy because I’m super super attracted to him, but because I don’t want to feel what it’s like to not be liked. To be lonely again, it’s a hollow feeling. Yes a man/woman shouldn’t be the centre of your universe but…the feeling of someone finding you attractive enough to give you attention is an addictive drug.

I realise I’m super clingy because I don’t want to lose that feeling. I don’t want to lose the feeling of a person wanting to be closer than a friend. Someone who willing tells you that you’re beautiful, that laughs at your jokes, someone who makes you feel special. Who can see you through your invisibility cloak (Woo Harry Potter reference lol).

Being fearful of loneliness is just…scary. It’s totally different from being alone. Being alone is a choice, you can choose to be alone and you can be happy with being alone. Loneliness is a feeling you can’t really escape. You could be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. To be honest I feel like this more often then not, surrounded by so many people yet I still manage to feel lonely. I don’t like that feeling, without fail it continues to remind me of how worthless I am.  Ha insecurities, loneliness seems to thrive on them.

I guess I shouldn’t really just trust that one person can change this for me. I just…well, I just don’t want to feel like this again..or ever really. I guess it’s not something you can just get rid of but it seems so much more easier to allow another person to just fix it for you. That’s probably really selfish huh? ok fine I’ll stop. Patience right? *sigh*

Overthinking

So I’m not used to being pursued. It’s a lovely and strange feeling. What I’ve realised though is that I’m clingy as all hell.

I know it’s not his fault but when I don’t get the attention I’m asking for then, I sort of just shut down and get sad. I don’t know why though, like if I removed said attention from the equation I’d be fine. IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE ! 

I know everyone has lives and things to do but like OMG ! I can’t focus on anything cause all I’m thinking about is him…he doesn’t even live in the same city as me. Aaaaaah. I’m seriously trying to stay low key cool about this but fuck sakes I seriously cannot lol. Can you imagine how I’d react if I knew multiple guys had an interest in me? Fuck sake.

Honestly how are people able to do this and still seem normal? Cause I’m losing my shit. Like one day I’m gonna fly down and be like “Surprise! Couldn’t be stuffed waiting for you text me so here I am” hahahahaha. Does this make me crazy? I feel crazy? I’m crazy aren’t I? Lol

Ok next question….how do I stop myself from getting super crazy? Lol *sigh*